Why Women Stay
For someone who hasn’t been in an abusive relationship it can be hard to understand why a woman would stay in a relationship where she is being abused. Logical thought tells us to simply leave, but it is not that easy – especially when the couple has been together for a long time or if children are involved.
Abuse is about power and control. It manifests in many ways throughout a relationship. Controlling the victim’s behavior, dress, schedule, friends and finances are very common attributes of an abuser. When these and other areas get out of the abuser’s control, violent behavior may come into play. As the relationship continues, the cycle increases in intensity, frequency and severity, making it more difficult for a woman to leave. When a victim leaves, the abuser feels as though all control has been lost – creating a very dangerous situation. Until the victim has a safety plan in place, it is often safer for her to stay.
Women who leave their batterers are at a 75% greater risk of being killed by their batterer than those who stay.
Besides the physical danger of breaking that control, the thought of being on your own can be incredibly overwhelming. Though they are aware of the abuse, victims often view their batterers as caretakers. It is hard to think leaving is a good idea when you have no way of taking care of yourself or your children.
“The devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.”
On average, it takes a woman seven tries before she successfully leaves her abuser. Here are some of the factors that make it such a difficult process:
- Doesn’t know what will happen when she leaves
- Believes that the abuser can change
- Lost or quit job because of the batterer
- Unsure of the services available
- Has no access to money or savings
- Isolated from friends, family and resources
- Embarrassed to “out” the behaviors of the man she loves
- Ashamed to admit the abuse to others
- Afraid of loosing custody of the children
- Thinks she (and children) will be homeless
- Fears the safety children and family members